inthecrosswords (inthecrosswords) wrote,

Before The Beginning

I learnt a new word today, bellicose, via belligerent, and I was wide legged on the train with the times crossword spread fully counting out letters on my hand trying to understand this word, when he looks, and this is the real sort of irony, when he looks at me and smiles that beautiful smile and I realise, no I hope, I am not that girl, I will not be that girl, bellicose, eager to fight, endlessly hostile and prepared to scream indignantly YOU DO NOT SEE ME.

I'm back here again, and I don't want to shout and wail anymore. I just want to be busy, productive, happy. It scares me to realise I've stopped wanting anything for me but for him to want me, but it's a new year coming up and all that, I know I want this change, because I know how much more I can be.

I had a great, great christmas, I had this epiphany where he said to me I have to remember my own life and I didn't take it like rejection. I'm off to Limoges on the 2nd of January, back to work on the 14th, our year anniversary (already!?!) on the 1st of February, I turn TWENTY THREE on the 13th, and life life life is speeding up and I cannot stay in this same place.
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